Fear hides what lies beneath
by Greiver Dhark
Summary: Another SxS fanfiction, whereby Squall is falling apart inside. Nobody can help him, and his friends have given up trying. Will Seifer restore his broken rival, and put him back on the path before he gets himself killed?
1. Chapter 1

AN/ Okay, its been a few years, but I finally got around to reposting this fic. I know it wasn't great to start with, but I figured, just out of what little personal pride I have in these crappy old writings, I could at least shiny them up, fix the grammar, flesh it out, and maybe break the 10,000 word barrier.

It was just another day, like so many others since she'd taken this position. Paperwork, missions, politics, it was the same every day, but she'd never get used to putting people's lives on the line. How a guy like Cid had done it, a man who had raised them, who cared for each of the students and SeeD as though they were all his own children, she had no idea. Quistis herself didn't understand how she did it sometimes either.

Life went on though, and work kept coming; there always seemed to be something she needed to sign. Speaking of, the renowned Balamb Garden headmistress had an urgent folder to get to Esthar. The usual couriers wouldn't be fast enough here, it was far too important for that, so she called for her secretary.

"Hey, Juline? Please deliver those files to the Esthar president, would you? Put it in the urgent tray?" She couldn't express how unbelievably necessary it was to have a secretary on hand, when there was so much to do. Juline would ensure that a SeeD would be summoned to personally deliver the message, without her having to do so herself. Sometimes there was so much to keep on top of, it was impossible to do it all herself.

"Yes ma'am, right away. Oh, and you have a call on the vid phone from Zell."

That was strange, the exuberant blond had been on a short mission to Deling, due back earlier that day. It didn't make much sense for him to be calling when he was supposed to be home already. "Zell? Isn't he back yet? He was supposed to have returned from Deling this morning."

"I know ma'am, but he's on the line."

No point worrying about, just deal with the problem head on. "Okay. Thank you. Dismissed."

The secretary left, and the blonde woman, head of the establishment she was currently residing in, switched on her video phone. "Zell? What's up? I thought you were supposed to be here already."

"Yeah…Well, I found something Quis. Or rather, someone." There was a tremor in his voice, a clear uncertainty and reluctance to report his findings aloud. Used to his stalling tactics, Quistis Trepe cut right to the chase.

"Spit it out Zell." The blonde woman replied tersely, her sharp features showing strain.

"Okay. Here goes. I found Seifer, Quis. I found him here, in DC." Shock rang through his voice, as if he couldn't believe it himself, even though he'd seen him with his own eyes. Judging from the silence on the other end of the line, Quistis was just as shocked as he was. Despite that, he couldn't bring himself to feel any amusement at having silenced the usually long-lectured woman.

After some delay, the ex-instructor, now administrator's voice came through across the line. "He's alive! You found Seifer alive? Hyne, it's been so long…"

"Yeah, I know, but I found him." As if to substantiate his claim, the vidphone was jostled around until a broad shoulder, rough around the edges blond swordsman was within the camera's scope, if somewhat haphazardly. Seifer seemed to be a few inches taller, more tanned, and there was an air of solemn maturity about him. It was in his eyes.

Upon closer inspection, it wasn't too difficult to see the difference in the man. Instead of his usual cocky and arrogant smirk, there was an almost neutral expression. Judging from his initial response to seeing Quistis on the video phone, he was no longer the impatient, recalcitrant troublemaker who enjoyed provoking reactions from his victims. He was wearing a pair of black trousers and a dark green long sleeved sweater, the blonde looked a lot friendlier and didn't stand as much as he had with his trench coat and blood crosses. His hair was shorter as well, slicked back naturally rather than with any kind of gel. He looked more natural, and less confrontational.

He'd been gone so long, dealing with the aftermath of his actions, and now found again, he was a changed man. "Hey Quis." His tone was barely friendly, more reserved, not daring to assume anything about how this would go. Zell had assured him that everything would be fine, but he was still nervous. Despite that, a little of the familiarity he had for them slipped through.

Aware of, but completely ignoring the elephant in the room regarding Seifer's culpability for the sorceress incident, Quistis' response was that of an older sister reuniting with her missing younger brother, not that of the headmistress of Garden and a man with a number of war crimes in his history. "Oh Seifer, we all thought you had died when we couldn't find you. Where have you been?" There was anger as well as frustration in her voice as she spoke. "What happened? Why didn't you return here after time compression?"

The blonde looks rather surprised at the reaction. "I thought you'd all hate me." He admitted quietly, his voice as rough as it had always been, but tempered now, lacking the youthful force behind it. "After all I did. Enough people do. I couldn't face you guys, not with what I was, what I'd done. Even if you guys could have forgiven me, I couldn't do it to myself yet."

Quistis shook her head sternly, sharp blue eyes understanding, but still a touch reproachful. "No Seifer, we don't hate you, didn't hate you. We really missed you, all of us. I'm not saying we weren't pretty pissed at the time, but…" She trailed off; their anger had been understandable, not just because of Seifer's foolishness, but at their inability to get him back on their side, to put things to rights. Everything had spiralled out of all of their control, and they had all suffered for it.

Seifer appeared more than a little shocked at her declaration, clearly not having expected a warm welcome from his family. "…All of you?" Disbelief seemed to be about all he could feel and it was almost shocking to see such an uncharacteristic emotion from the once so self-assured gunblader.

"All of us." She replied firmly.

The conversation was halted as a door burst open behind the Headmistress, and she turned around, to confront the intruder. The tired and concerned face of Selphie was seen on the edge of the camera view; she'd clearly sprinted to the Head's office, and struggled to catch her breath. Unaware of being on camera, or just not giving it any consideration, the worried brunette gasped out a choked sentence that explained everything and nothing.

"I-its Squall."

"He's back? I thought he went out earlier?" Keeping tabs on the guy was a difficult enough job without taking into account his abrasive attitude, but for the most part he was left to his own devices.

"He did…he got hurt Quis. He got super smashed and somebody picked a fight with him. They said some things, and he got upset…" She trailed off; not really wanting to continue, and not really needing to. Everyone could come up with something to fill in the gaps.

"Where is he?" She replied sharply, obviously her patience was running out and this wasn't the first time this had happened.

"Infirmary." She whispered, and the weary face of Quistis Trepe turned back to the screen looking more strained and stressed than Seifer had remembered, but had become rather normal since she'd become Headmistress.

"I have to go. You guys better get back to Garden, we'll talk more later Seifer. Zell, don't tell him anything about Squall." She ordered brusquely, before switching off the screen before either of them could protest and made her way to the infirmary.

"What's going on! Dammit!" Zell slammed his palms against the desk either side of the camera before forcibly calming himself to prevent any more damage.

"What's the matter with Squall?" Seifer asked quietly, his eyes slightly narrowed with concern. He no longer believed the world owed him, or that he deserved to know anything, but with this it was different… it was personal. Despite Quis' orders, he wanted to know.

Trying to suppress his rage, Zell didn't bother to hold his tongue, letting his angry words slip out instead. "He's always pulling stupid stunts like this; goes out and gets drunk, or locks himself away. The bastard."

That didn't really sound like the Squall he knew, though at the same time it did. It was a pretty extreme reaction though, for such an uptight guy, and Seifer couldn't help but ask; "How bad is it?"

Zell just sighed, feeling the anger drain back to helpless frustration. "From the look of Selphie's expression, and the fact that she cares too much about Squall, I'd say he's alright physically, maybe a few bruises or something. That bastard doesn't even care when Selphie gets upset about him. She's the only one who gives a fuck any more." He answered frankly, sounding more tired than Seifer would ever have thought. Clearly whatever was wrong with Squall had been wearing on everyone.

"Why don't you like Squall any more? You used to praise the guy, what changed?" He wasn't going to stand up for stick-in-the-mud, but he didn't run into things blind anymore, and despite his running away, he did try and keep tabs on the old orphanage gang. He wanted to know what was going on.

Now Zell seemed uncertain, cooled from his anger and regretting his outburts. "I better not say anymore or Quis'll have my head. We'll get the next train back to Balamb. It'll be a long journey, but we don't have the Ragnarok any more." Luckily, distracting him with travel plans seemed to work, because Seifer let the matter drop after that.

"Do you know when the next train leaves?" Seifer'd hardly been expecting to go anywhere any time soon, and generally avoided the train station anyway. If Zell was meant to be back by now though, he ought to know when the trains were due, in case he missed the first and needed to catch a later.

"Yeah, the next train should be in a little while, if we can get that, we should arrive in just a couple of hours, if we're lucky." Zell was already moving to grab his gear, already packed. He cast a sideways glance at Seifer to see the blonde man was doing the same with what little he had in the small apartment.

"You sure this is a good time? I don't want to tip Squall over the rail…" Seifer seemed uncertain; he was a lighter for Squall's fuse, and that could go over very badly if things were as bad off as they sounded. He obviously wanted to know more about the commander's condition, but it seemed that Zell was unwilling to divulge any more information.

"Well, I don't think he'll be getting' any better Seif'. All I can say is do whatever you want now, whilst he's stile alive." His look told Seifer that he was being deadly serious.

It didn't reassure him one bit.

The train ride was solemn, with the occasional bit of chat as Seifer caught up with what was going on. The papers had a fair amount right, but military information was always regulated to the public, and he knew he was missing a great deal of the key facts.

When they finally arrived at Balamb Garden, the atmosphere was not at all what he expected. All of the orphanage gang, save for a certain leather wearing brunette, were waiting for him at the front gate, and before he even made it to the intersection he found himself wrapped up by numerous pairs of arms. He hadn't in his wildest dreams expected such a friendly reaction from the people he had hurt and betrayed.

Despite what people thought there was an odd sort of bond between them all, and they all had different links. Unspoken words passed through their seemingly unfriendly comments. Even Zell could see that Seifer cared abut him, just by calling him 'Chicken'.

As Selphie bounded into his arms, apparently tired of giving a one sided hug, and pushing Zell back at the same time and so saving the blond from the tight bear hug he couldn't help but remember his own condescension to these people, yet now, he couldn't be more grateful for the welcome. Over the heads of the short people, he could Irvine tipping his hat towards him from a few feet away, whilst Quistis watched with a somewhat bemused smile near the corner. However, despite the light hearted greeting and happy smiles, it only took a look at his old friends to see the dark rings and worry lines formed on their young faces. He wondered if he looked like that as well. Probably.

"Its nice to see you guys. I see you all missed me?" He couldn't help but be caught up in the excitement and enthusiasm, traces of his old self showing through.

"Lets all go catch up in your room. We have some of your old stuff, but we'll have to take you shopping later." The stern woman seemed much too used to directing people about, but at least she was better at it now, rather than the bossy, sometimes whiny woman she had been when he'd seen her last.

"You sound like my mother already. I hope you let me pick what I want." Seifer teased back gently, knocking her mothering with far friendlier words than he might once have. Heck, if she'd said something like that to him before all this, he'd likely have told her to shove it, like he'd need her help.

They all laughed and smiled in response to his words, but all Seifer could really think of was where his brunet rival could have disappeared off to. However, damned if he dispelled the atmosphere and attitude of his friends by asking about the absent commander.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The day had continued on the high note from earlier, with almost no mishaps as they reconnected. Full of smiles and laughter and catching up on good times, yet very little conversation about the recent history, nothing personal about what had happened since Time Compression. But everyone could see that a lot had happened that wasn't spoken aloud, and it wasn't all good times they'd been through. However, now was too precious to lose to depression; when everybody had finally been given the strength to smile through out the day. They could dismiss their worries, push them away, but to do that, nobody talked about Squall. No mentioning of his name, nothing of his current state; everything stayed strictly pleasant and positive, because there was no other way to keep up the façade if they spoke of Squall.

Squall. Even his name sounded alluring and pleasant on his tongue. If only he looked more alluring right now.

It was late that night; everyone else had gone to bed except for him. The blonde male had wanted to get insome training; re-familiarise himself with the grounds and monsters. On his way back, at around 4am, he'd heard movement in the main foyer.

Apparently Garden's commander had gone out again, and by the way he walked, and acted, he was completely plastered. Moving closer, Seifer could smell the alcohol coming off him, and he had to admit that despite warning earlier it shocked him. This was not how he had intended to meet the lion, but at least it gave him a profile to see, so he could get a good look at what had happened to the younger man.

His hair was a mess, but not in its usual slightly long, almost untameable way, it was in more of an unwashed and dirty way. It was slightly longer than he'd seen him last as well, with the usual highlights brought out by the sharp glare of the foyer lights. It was like a mixture of honey and chestnuts, swirled in chocolate and coffee. But the honey and chestnuts were moulding, and the chocolate and coffee were stained.

Observation 1, Squall needed a shower.

The brunet stumbled down the halls, coughing somewhat hoarsely, but still with that quiet delicacy, something he hadn't lost despite it all. He was leaning on objects for support sometimes, but his long and quick stride kept him moving quite quickly.

Observation 2, Squall needed cough medicine.

The male's lithe and slender body was looking a little thin and frail, through the leather pants and jacket, his legs looked like they weren't filing up the pant legs properly; although there were still some powerful muscles gliding beneath the surface. The slight flair to his hips was always enticing, allowing a nice view of his rear.

Observation 3, Squall needed fattening up.

All of a sudden, as if feeling Seifer's analytical gaze on him, the saviour glanced backwards, giving the blonde direct view of his eyes. They were glazed over a little, looking too far left to be seeing him, and judging by the slight shrug, his vision was too blurry to make out the ex-knight. But his eyes were hauntingly beautiful, like those of a deep blue sea of ice, swirling with emotions. However, now, they seemed clouded and shadowed, and Seifer wanted nothing more than to return the shimmer of life behind those eyes, the glint of something to show he even existed beneath the alcohol and pain and ice. He looked hollow and torn inside, in a way that Seifer had once tried to prevent, but now it seemed that he had failed.

Observation 4, Squall needed fixing before he could never be repaired.

Ghosting the commander down the halls, the blonde is somewhat disturbed at how Squall couldn't even tell he was being trailed; before he left, Squall had been able to tell if you had been /looking/ at him from across the foyer, now he didn't even notice that he was being followed by someone barely five metres behind him.

The brunette turned down the hall to the dorms, nearly walking into the wall; it was lucky he knew the path so well or else he would've hit one of the plants and benches that lined the sides; Seifer was sure. He slowed down a little bit, putting some more distance between them as the inebriated man staggered down the hall, keeping out of sight as best he could. It turned out to be a good idea as he heard the sound of a door sliding open, and Quistis' voice penetrate the silence. When she spoke, she sounded tired, disappointed, and like she had run out of hope.

"Squall…You're a fool…" She muttered despondently, tugging the intoxicated commander into her room with a mutter. "You take the bed. I'll get the couch."

"But Quis-" He tried to stop her, his voice soft and hollow, but his defence was useless. There wasn't anything that he could say anyway, not any more.

"Just don't bother Squall. Go to sleep." The blonde sighed in exasperation, and Seifer can hear shuffling through the door. Another sigh came again, but from the brunet this time. His throat seemed closed up, like he was about to cry…

Seifer couldn't take just standing there anymore, but he knew he couldn't just bust in. To start with, he couldn't even open the door; Garden's doors had always been automated, and he doubted that sticking his nose in Quistis' private quarters would go down that well anyway. Unwilling to listen any longer as his rival's muffled cries, though he doubted the younger man would be so obvious even if he was, Seifer slipped back to his own room in shock. He tried to sleep, but all the could do was think.

That wasn't the Squall Leonhart he knew. That wasn't the man he had left behind. There was never a moment in his waking life that he could have ever seen the once proud lion as he was now, and it broke his heart to see it, seeming so inherently wrong to him. His strength of resolve was well known, and tonight, he was intending to put it to good use. He promised himself, that he was going to put the brunette back together, hold him that way, let him fix. No ice would seal his broken heart into one piece again. No, this time, it would be Seifer there holding him together. It would be him, fixing the other man, one way or another.

Next morning was hell for the brunette commander. He'd awoken early as usual, unable to sleep even if he was drunk out of his mind. It was before sunrise, so he'd managed to make it to his room undetected, stumbling and toppling his way to his room and then his bed. As the door swished quietly shut behind him, he failed to notice the green eyes watching him.

Seifer didn't know what to do. Never had he thought that Squall would do anything like this, but for some reason, deep down, he wasn't surprised. Horrified at what had happened, but he always knew the potential was there, that the russet haired commander could snap, his emotional instability making him more vulnerable than he dared admit, and it seemed that Shiva's ice no longer spared him the pain of feeling.

Suddenly, Seifer was very scared for the younger man, he felt as if his blood had run cold, and his heart had dropped like a stone. He didn't know what Squall was doing, but something deep inside him told him that it wasn't anything good. Unfortunately, the Adonis couldn't just bust inside, he'd get himself killed or something of the sort, and he doubted it would be at all appreciated. He didn't know how Squall would react to the sudden arrival of his supposed to be dead enemy and arch rival.

Even so, he couldn't just stand there and listen to the half-stifled sobs coming from the other side of the Commander's door. He'd come here to help, if he could, to see what was really going on, what he had missed out on during his self imposed exile. This was not what he had expected to come back to, none of it was. But he couldn't do anything yet, he didn't even know the full story, and even if he did, he was a guest here, and most people would still attack him if he made his presence known. Quistis had put out a notice on the intercom, but Seifer was still cautious.

Had he known what was going on in the room he was stood outside of, the blond would likely have attempted to bust the door down, screw the rest of it. But he didn't, didn't know that Squall was slowly adding more cuts to his body, desperately trying to release emotions that had no other outlet. When carving up monsters stopped helping, he started carving up himself.

He didn't leave his room that day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

There was a distinct feeling of unwelcome-ness in the commanders office, Seifer noted to himself mentally. Like this place was cursed with the blood sweat and tears of hard work that never stopped. The huge pile of signed and unsigned documents proved this hostile atmosphere, as even though the piles were equal, they were both stacked high.

There was no way that Squall would be able to get this done in a week, let alone a day, yet the pile jut continued to grow, his outbox being emptied much slower than his inbox was filled, and that was without even considering his clearly problematic ventures. Yet he was still stuck to do the work on his own, despite his recent dereliction of duty.

The brunette had been left in his room all day, nobody stopping to think about what he might be doing, whether he had any food, none except Seifer. He already knew that Squall rarely had any food in his cupboards, but there was nothing that he personally could do right then. He wasn't sure when he'd alert Squall to his presence, but he knew he couldn't hide forever. Even so, he just couldn't help but stay out of sight whenever the brunette was around.

He'd gone up here earlier, unable to bear the helplessness of waiting for the younger man outside his room. He needed a plan and he needed one quickly, before things got even more out of control. "Lesse…he needs a proper secretary and an assistant or something…" He mumbled thoughtfully, sitting in the leather chair that looked more comfortable that it actually was. Pushing the on switch for the computer terminal before him, the computer whirred to life and he started to scan the files. Selecting the Seed personnel files, the blonde began searching for someone who looked like they could get the work done, because Squall obviously couldn't.

Unfortunately, he couldn't do interviews, because not many people knew he was even alive, let alone in Garden, and although he couldn't hide away, inviting them to an interview was not the ideal way to introduce yourself, especially not if you happen to be the ex sorceress' knight, who just happened to have tried to destroy the world, and your interviewee was a trained killer who had been on the opposite side at one point in time.

So, he had to be a little more subtle instead, and after looking through some of the files to find a Quistis-wannabe and finding them as a struggling student, he invited the particular student up to the office, which he vacated quickly after. He left a written request on the desk, stating that he was currently busy and needed an assistant to go through the files, sort them and start working through the non-priority ones, typing up a short summary for the droning files so it was easier to get through. He knew that he was meddling in affairs that were not his own, but nobody else seemed to be dong anything.

Leaving the apparently trustworthy student alone while he sent a message to Quistis telling her his plan and what he'd done, the blonde made his way stealthily to the dorm section, concerned over whether or not Squall had left his room yet. Deciding that he'd alert the russet haired male to his arrival whenever the opportune moment arrived, Seifer stopped outside of the male's door. There is no sound from within, and he didn't dare go inside, so, with a sigh, he went in search of Selphie or one of the other orphanage gang instead.

"So, Seifer, what have you been doing with yourself?" The bouncy young female asked him as they sat together in a corner of the cafeteria, out of sight from the majority of the students who had come down for some food.

Word was starting to spread about sighting of Seifer within Garden, and the man in question hoped only that Squall did not find out about him from some of the things said about the place, if he was alerted by word of mouth, who knew how he might react. Fortunately, in a way, Squall had still not left his room, and after alerting Quistis, and now Selphie, it seemed like he had done a good thing, hiring an assistant. He supposed it was only luck that the brunet had been out when Quistis made the announcement earlier, as it kept him in the dark through nobodies fault but his own.

"Nothing much really." He replied with a slight smile, covering up the truth with a shallow answer. "Moving around, missing all you guys." He gave her a grin and affectionately petted her on the head, something Selphie took with a bright grin. Seifer had always treated her like a little kid, but that was okay, most people did that, and it let her get away with a hell of a lot more than anyone else.

Chuckling in amusement, Seifer glanced around Garden reflexively, as if checking if someone had heard him. Realising what he was doing, Selphie put her hand on Seifer's with a kindly, if concerned, smile. "You've...had some trouble haven't you?" She asked softly.

"People hold grudges." He answered brusquely, not bothering to hide it. "They need someone to blame and they don't care about anything else. They have too much anger and hate for me and what I did." Seifer lowered his gaze slightly, not looking Selphie in the eyes. "But its okay. I just don't want to start a fight here, of all places. The last thing I want to do is that…"

It hurt him to know that he could not return to his old home without being in danger of having revenge taken against him for past crimes. This place had been his home, his family, and even though he understood why, it didn't make life much better for him. But his eyes showed pride as well, he may have committed some terrible acts, but he no longer hated himself for it as much as he used to. He'd tried to make it up to people, even though he knew he'd been manipulated by a master and anyone else would have done the same. At first he'd felt he deserved their anger for being weak, but eventually he'd gotten back on his feet and he knew he wasn't all to blame. He'd been controlled like a puppet, and if people couldn't deal with the truth, he wasn't just going to stand around and let them use him like a punching bag for all their pains and anger. No, he wouldn't hurt them, but neither would he stand around and let them beat him to a pulp for things he had no control over.

Selphie nodded understandingly, her countenance more solemn than he'd ever seen her, she rest her head against his shoulder and looked up at him with her bright green eyes. "We won't let anyone hurt you. You're like my brother Seifie, and I understand what happened that time. If anyone tries to take it out on you, they gotta go through me!" Sitting up straight, she raised her fists in a display of exuberant determination. Despite the playful tone, the seriousness of her words couldn't be doubted. He couldn't understand how he'd inspired such loyalty in her, but either way, he appreciated it.

"Selphie?" He asked after a moment of silence, his words causing the female to look up at him in earnest. "What's wrong with Squall?"

All joy seemed to drain out of the sunny girl and she bowed her head. "We're not too sure…He just started drinking after the sorceress war, pushing everyone away. At first, it wasn't too bad, but he started neglecting his duties as the commander, going out to clubs and stuff. We didn't really notice because he was never around anyway, but he went out a lot more, didn't unjunction GFs…all sorts of things. We tried getting him help but he was just so unkind…" Her shoulders slumped as she remembered how it all started. "He won't talk to anyone, and no one can really deal with him anymore. I think Quistis actually started to hate him, he seems so inconsiderate." Suddenly, she looks up at Seifer, her eyes wide. "Wait, I wasn't supposed to tell you all that!" Clamping her hands over her mouth, the girl leaped to her feet.

Surprised at her sudden change of attitude, Seifer stood also. "Why aren't you supposed to tell me?" This whole secrecy thing was starting to bother him, clearly something was up and covering it up wasn't helping anyone.

Selphie just shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry Seif' I gotta go. If I were you…I'd do what you want to do with Squall now, because he's just falling apart. I don't know what to do for him any more…" She seemed on the verge of tears, and he could understand why Quistis might be so angry with him, to be causing them to worry to such a degree.

"He's really gone downhill, hasn't he?" He asked the crying female who had pressed herself against his chest and wrapped his arms around her protectively.

"Yeah…" The reluctant words were barely audible coming from the younger girl, even as she fought to regain control over herself. "He goes out…most nights…We saw him at a gay bar a few times. He just goes home with them, spreads his legs for anyone…then he comes back, smashed up, and he usually can't make it to his own apartment. Quis or one of the others have to look after him. Squall just…seems so sad, and he's apologetic and stuff…but he never stops…" Sniffling, the girl sighed softly as Seifer rubbed her back, soothing her.

"If you can get him out of his room some time at night…I'll meet him. Otherwise, I will have to stop him when he goes out himself." He said softly.

"He won't come out for me, I tried before. He can't bear to see us…" She sniffed.

"We'll just have to do it the hard way then…"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

That night, Seifer waited outside the Commander's bedroom, hiding out of sight in a dark corner. He had been waiting for a heck of a long time, seeing as the brunet didn't have a particular time he usually left, but Quistis had given him some music that had been left in her room by Squall when he crashed there, so he got hear the male's songs while waiting for him to come out.

They weren't quite the songs he had expected to hear, but then again, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be expecting.

_Hey, an' I'm fallin' away, and my skin's turning grey with time._

_Hey and I'm dead in my grave, won't somebody tell me why._

He liked the song, he had to admit, it was pretty good, just not what an unstable and depressed young man should be listening to if he wanted to stay alive. There was a heavy sense of connection, between Squall and the song, and it was quite disturbing, he had to admit.

_Cause I'm hopeless, and I'm stupid and I'm helpless and I'm useless that's why I'm stuck in you. _

He was completely alone in the hallway by 11pm, most people resting for classes the next day, or missions. Those that were up were elsewhere, probably training. Nobody had spotted Seifer in his little corner, for which he was thankful, because knowing some of the greenies in Garden would probably cast Ultima on his ass and blow up the whole building.

_Hey, I am turning away from a soul that you claim with desire. _

_Hey, can I give you the pain can you take it away just tonight._

Ten minutes later, the door to the commander's door slid open, revealing the slightly ruffled brunet.

_I wish that we'd never gone this far. _

_And I wish I could take it away and celebrate how wrong you are._

Watching the male warily step out of his room, clad now in his black leather pants and a ripped black shirt which shimmered a bit under the light. A tight, blue/black jacket was in his hands, looking more aesthetically pleasing than at all useful against the cold wind from the Balamb coast. Leather boots; tight, slightly feminine replaced his usual all-purpose boots. He was definitely going to get laid tonight. And Seifer would've been the one to do it too, if he wasn't so worried about his old rival, if he was in better condition.

_And no one can make me feel like you. _

_And no one can thrill me like you do. _

But he wasn't, as he looked both ways down the hall before stepping fully out of his room, the door sliding closed behind him. Moving away from the door, the younger male made his way down the hall; too far gone to even care to notice the prickling sensation on the back of his neck telling him that someone was watching him, or worse. He just didn't care.

_Is it something in your head, is there pleasure in your pain, is it words that you didn't say. _

_Or is it something inside me. _

Making sure the mini disk player was securely held in his pocket, the blonde crouched slightly, trailing behind the commander. His pace was a little slower than it used to be, and he'd falter sometimes, as if he was losing his balance. Squall had always had amazing balance, such grace, but he seemed to be rougher around the edges. But circumstances dictate all, that's what he thought anyway.

_I wish that we'd never gone this far. _

_And I wish I could take it away and celebrate how wrong you are. _

Keeping his eyes on Squall's back, he made sure not to look any lower, but it was hard; Squall had gone out with the intention of being eye candy, and he had done a great job. But Seifer was on a mission, and oogling the man's ass wasn't a part of it. So, watching the russet haired male head to the front gate, hopping over the gate itself with ease. At least he hadn't totally fucked up his body.

_And now one can make me feel like you. _

_And no one can thrill me like you do._

This was getting a little weird for Seifer, he had to admit. This song was just…too accurate. Taking out the case, although making sure that Squall never left his vision, he read the back;

-Disclaimer; Some lyrics modified from the anonymous script given by 'Greiver'. Licensed and endorsed by…-

Well, that explained the similarities. One could assume that Squall had sent in the lyrics, meaning he actually felt this way. Things just seemed to get worse for him.

_I can feel your fingers inside me. _

_I can feel your eyes fixed upon me. _

_I can feel your legs wrapped around me. _

Who was he talking about in this part? Probably just another guy who he let screw him. Seifer nearly crushed the case at the thought of other people taking advantage of the commander. From the looks of things, Squall was intending to walk the twenty-minute journey into Balamb. Seifer wasn't sure how far he was going to go with Squall before he stopped the brunette, but he didn't expect for it to be long. He was only worried that the smaller man would turn around and see him, because there was nowhere for him to hide on the road.

_I can feel your legs wrapped around me. _

_I can feel your eyes fixed upon me. _

_I can feel the heat from your body. _

_I can feel the heat from your body. _

Watching Squall walk, Seifer was able to analyse him again, now that he wasn't smashed and drunk off his pretty head. There was obviously something really bad going on with Squall, and it seemed like he had begun a routine, meaning he was probably going to keep doing this until he died, which at this rate, wouldn't take long.

_I wish that we'd never gone this far, and I wish I could take it away. _

_And celebrate how wrong you are._

He could see the lights of Balamb ahead of him; it was only a few more minutes before they were inside the small town. Once they had gotten to the centre, Squall turned right, towards the train station and newer section of Balamb. Apparently, he preferred the bigger clubs in the city, the new gay club sounded pretty good, from what he'd heard, although. He knew he'd have to stop him going into that club. He'd have to come out.

_And no one can make me feel like you. _

_And no one can thrill me like you do. _

_And no one can make me feel like you. _

_And no one can kill me like you do._

This was it, how would Squall react? He didn't have time to think it out fully, he was nearly there. Stepping out of the shadows, the blonde Adonis stopped walking. "Squall." He called, loud enough to be heard and identified, but not to attract any other attention from the people who might be around this late at night.

Clearly not having expected company, at least not yet, the brunet spun to face the owner of the voice, not believing he identified him from his voice properly. His eyes widened in shock and he stopped moving. He seemed a little slack-jawed as well, but when Seifer took a step forward, he shuffled back slightly.

"Y-you…!"

/The song is Lackluster by Saliva. Another good song that I might add into my story is 'Rest in pieces' by Saliva as well. /


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The shock on the brunette males face was strange to behold. Having lived behind a mask of ice, of showing no emotions, Squall was plainly open to read, for once in his life, he wasn't buried beneath layers of indifference, an unflinching gaze and silence. No, now he was painfully open, and there was nothing he could do about it.

In the past, people had called him names; "Leonheartless", "Ice Princess", "Shiva's bitch." But he had also been given other names. He had never realised that he was known not as the Ice Princess, but as having the soul of a lion, and a heart most men could only dream of having. Few realised the extent he had gone through to become as they saw him; few realised what they did to him, and less even cared. Not even Seifer.

Seifer.

Now he was here, stood opposite Squall some five feet away, very much alive and very much smirking at him. His eyes were too wide, blind to see that the smirk was merely a façade to hide the concern and sorrow he felt for the younger man, the disappointment and pity. He could see so much of the other male, all he couldn't see was the problem. He'd always known that Squall had problems, fuck, who wouldn't after going through what he did. But he didn't know what the problem was. Squall had a heck of a lot more than Seifer did; he'd had friends, a place to stay. He was praised for saving the world, yet Seifer was punished for trying to take over the world; not even of his own volition.

Watching the brunette who looked like a deer in headlights, they stared at each other for a moment, before Seifer took a step forwards, and another, and Squall flinched away before the blonde could touch him. Raising an eyebrow at the smaller man, Seifer remained where he was, waiting for a response from Squall. But there wasn't one, not the sort he had been expecting anyway. Squall simply dropped his head down onto his collarbone and turned away, turned his back on the man who used to be his rival.

"I must be really fucked up." He said softly, more to himself than the one he'd turned away from. A dry, broken chuckle catches in his throat with a sob, but he straightened, his back still to Seifer. "…Desperate enough to dream you back…" He mumbled to himself, starting to walk away from where Seifer stood, watching, towards the nightclub he went to almost every night now.

Despite his lack of proper work ethic lately, the Commander still had a lot of money to his name, even if it was slipping away at places like this. He still worked, sometimes, and was still on the rolls as Seed and Commander, so he could afford all he needed and the expenses for drinks and such to his nightly 'past times.'

Contrary to the retreating male's belief however, Seifer wasn't letting Squall go that easily, no, he hadn't come all the way out here just to be ignored and left. Trailing after him, he neared the leather-clad man's back, only to be confronted before contact yet again.

Squall twirled around to face him, eyes glaring angrily. "Why are you haunting me?" He half yelled at the blonde, who recoiled in shock. He hadn't expected to be yelled at when Squall was only a few feet away from him, but he knew that he shouldn't really be surprised, a lot had changed and Squall was not the man he'd known before, he was broken down, on the blade's edge.

"I'm not haunting you Squall. I'm here. I'm real. You're coming back with me."

"Like hell I am." He spat back, glaring at the man. "You're not real. Get lost." He couldn't allow himself to believe that Seifer was really here, couldn't let him stay. He knew who he was pushing away; the last one. The final person to try and save him. The man he had killed.

Odd, how, before death, the last person one supposedly sees is the person closest to them. The last person to give up hope or try desperately to save him was the one person who could, yet in the end, things always turned out wrong. People always got hurt, and on the brink of death and insanity, it would be Squall's corpse that would remind the living of how no saviour is invincible, and no boy should be sent to Hell whether he could make it through or not. Call the world greedy, because even after he had paid his debt by saving the world, more was asked of him. More was demanded, wanted and there was nothing he could do that would be enough for the hands that stole everything from him.

How terrible life could be.

How terrible people could be for not letting his life go. For not letting him die. For not just leaving him alone, like he'd _always_ wanted.

Stepping into the nightclub of a somewhat dark looking nature, Squall abandoned the blonde to the crowds behind him and melted into the bodies of sweat and lust that overwhelmed any who stepped through the doors.

For Seifer, it was a sudden onslaught of sensations. The strong smell of sweat, sex and drugs blasted through his nostrils unfiltered, the pulsing beat of the music shook through him, making his body twinge and move among all the others, even if he didn't wish it. The bass was so strong that his muscles stretched and loosened each time, he was dancing and he didn't want to. He had already lost the brunette, despite his height and stature, there were so many people in the room, all pressed up tight.

He kept his mind on the unstable commander and surged forwards, delving between the dancers and towards the bar. He didn't know how long it would take, but Squall was sure to turn up there at some point. Already, the blonde didn't like the place, it may be great for someone in need of an escape and a good time, but he wasn't in the mood, certainly not now.

It didn't take long for him to spot the young man in the crowds, he was in a situation that Seifer would never have believed unless he saw it with his own eyes. Squall was pressed against a wall, another young man pinning him there, kissing him forcefully and rubbing his crotch hard against the commander's. And Squall wasn't resisting, he was kissing back, letting the man raise his hands above his head and pin them there, letting him unzip the leather pants he wore and delve a hand into the man's once sacred lower regions, now the only part of his body that could bring him some sort of pleasure, whatever the way he had to achieve that pleasure.

Making his way forcefully over, Seifer seemed out of place, in an outfit that was neither complete leather, silk or net, nothing at all suiting, and not at all revealing. Several people had already tried to rectify that, but had found it in their better interests not to. When he finally reached the man who was rather harshly sexually affecting the brunette, Seifer gave a strong yank to the back of the guy's shirt, turned and threw him into the crowd. Squall looked surprised and then angry, trying to push the blonde away from him, or go through him or something.

But Seifer wasn't having it. He grabbed the thin wrists of the male, feeling the slight raise of fresh cuts beneath his hands. Squall just grit his teeth; he would have used a cure on them had he not forgotten, but Seifer's grip didn't ease up. As much as he didn't want to cause more pain to the man, he wasn't about to let him slip away again either.

Pulling the leather clad male from through the crushing crowd while he tugged and tried to twist out of his grip was difficult, but he was able to cope with difficult, as long as it got the other man safe.

His grip was loosening at the constant writhing of the reluctant male, and Seifer was forced to give the younger male a harsh push outside, where he stumbled and fell, barely managing to stay up at all.

"We're leaving now Squall. I'm taking you back to Garden now." He informed the russet haired male, who lay half propped up on the floor, looking back at the blonde man with wide and resentful eyes.

"N-no. Leave me alone." The brunette tried to scrabble backwards, but Seifer grabbed his wrist again, stopping him. If someone had been watching them, they would have thought that Seifer was attacking him, but there was intense concern in his eyes for the man on the floor, who appeared near tears. He really was falling apart at the seams.

"Squall." He said the man's name, drawing his attention back from where he had drifted off a little. "Come on, come here, I'm taking you back." His grip loosened on the man's wrist and yet Squall didn't pull away, he struggled back to his feet and kept his head down. "S'pose it won't matter…you're not really here…you can't be…" Squall really did struggle to accept what seemed impossible sometimes.

Saying nothing about his believed non existence, Seifer took the slim and surprisingly soft hand in his and began to lead him back towards Balamb Garden. Squall came willingly albeit a little slowly, and Seifer encouraged the male to keep moving, sliding an arm around his waist to coax him closer. The commander relented, a little uncertain of his old rival's touch lest it all be a strange delusion and he was in fact passed out in a ditch somewhere. Making sure that Squall was looking okay, Seifer let his hands wander to the boy's crotch where he zipped up his pants, apparently Squall had forgotten that he was unzipped after being thrown out of the club.

The brunette gave him a slightly surprised look, but was just too shattered to care all that much, figuring he must be high off his head to be imagining something so vivid. He'd probably passed out in a gutter somewhere; his mind concluded._ I hope I'm not naked in the sewer system again… _And that was all it really was to him, just another mindless delusion that, in truth, he had no will to escape from. His delusions were all he had left.

Seifer led the frail commander down the long road that led to Balamb Garden, his concerned gaze kept on the pale face of the man- no boy- who had suffered so badly that he could only make it worse in order to feel at all better. That was a type of darkness Seifer had managed to avoid, but for someone as emotionally fragile as Squall, escaping it would be hard, especially when nobody else had noticed or realised how delicate he was inside. Despite it all, his façade was too tightly knit and only he had been able to see through at the boy beneath, see that his emotions weren't nonexistent, merely locked away for his own safety. How could nobody else have seen?

Seifer didn't know whether to be bitterly depressed that his younger companion vehemently protested his existence, or just amused about the whole thing. He was torn between the two, but given the boy's mental state of the last short while, there was little doubt in his mind that Squall had thought about his 'death' continuously for a long time, and like the fool he was, he felt responsible. Squall felt responsible for everyone, but he was barely a man. He deserved better. At least now someone seemed to have made the best decision so far and hauled his blonde ass over to Garden to finally save the suffering angel who earned his way to Heaven, but was given Hell instead.

By the time they arrived in front of the large curving structure, Squall was barely conscious, hardly holding himself up at all and in a state of delirium. Seifer couldn't tell if it was just the stress and supposed insanity for seeing Seifer, or if he'd taken something whilst he was at the club. The brunet's head whipped around disjointedly, disoriented and feverish. Perhaps Squall's friends should have called him in long before their beloved hero fell into a state such as this, when alcohol and whoring weren't the only thing making him feel the least bit better.

The halls were clear of people, fortunately, and as he carried -yes, he had to carry the broken man now- the limp and miserable man to his room, Squall did nothing to protest, just stared around at the bright walls and felt the world move around him; he'd long since tried to do anything, make sense of it, come to conclusions. He barely had enough control to keep the pain inside any more.


End file.
